One of the most painful patterns I see in therapy is the experience of being trauma bonded. A trauma bond happens when we form deep emotional attachments to someone who has also caused us harm. It can be confusing—why would we feel drawn to the very people or dynamics that hurt us? But when we look closer, it begins to make sense.
How Trauma Bonds Begin
For many, these bonds start in childhood. If a parent or caregiver was both a source of love and pain—someone who provided care but also criticism, neglect, or abuse—our nervous system wired connection and danger together. As children, we had no choice but to attach to the people who cared for us, even if they also hurt us. That survival attachment can become a template for later relationships.
Why We’re Drawn Back
As adults, we may unconsciously gravitate toward relationships that feel familiar, even if they’re unhealthy. Our body recognizes the pattern of intensity—hope mixed with fear, closeness paired with rejection—and mistakes it for love. In a way, the trauma bond becomes a reenactment of old wounds. We keep trying to “fix” what happened in the past by recreating it in the present, often without realizing we are retraumatizing ourselves.
Moving Toward Healing
The first step is awareness. When you begin to notice the patterns—why certain relationships feel magnetic, why leaving them feels impossible—you create space for choice. Therapy can help you separate love from survival, compassion from control, and safety from fear.
At Newmarket Therapy Centre, we help clients untangle these bonds with care and patience. Healing means learning to recognize your worth, to connect with your authentic self, and to build relationships that are safe, supportive, and genuinely loving. Trauma bonds don’t have to define your future—you can create new patterns rooted in true connection.